My pregnancy scare & new moon intentions
On my birthday, about 30 minutes after I shared with you that I am pregnant I got a scary call from one of my midwives.
She told me that my 20 week ultrasound showed our baby’s brain was measuring about two weeks too small.
The baby was sleeping during the ultrasound and wasn’t giving the technician the best angle to see her head or her heart. So we knew that we’d need to do another ultrasound to get those images. We weren’t alarmed by this and everything else had looked great.
But then came this call from the midwife. With this “news” my alarm bells went off.
We got scheduled for a level two ultrasound (which is with a technician who has advanced training and experience) later that week and then it was our job to be patient and wait.
I had terrible dreams that night and woke up the next morning with that sick-to-your-stomach feeling of dread. My imagination ran wild with all of the worst case scenarios.
My husband reassured me that all is well.
My friends were worried but comforting.
Big time Mama Bear energy came out in my own mom. She was angry that the midwife had hastily shared “information” that was so uncertain when the report from our ultrasound showed that it was difficult to get accurate measurements of the brain and heart.
And I was trying to remain positive, to free myself from worry and anxiety. But tears and fears had their way with me.
My level two ultrasound was scheduled for Thursday and there I was on Tuesday morning overcome with anxiety. I knew that that the best thing I could do for myself and my baby, regardless of the outcome of that ultrasound, was come to a place of love, light, surrender, and calm.
So I dove deep that day into the simple practices that have always helped me embody love, light, surrender, and calm, even when I’m facing hard times.
I sat in meditation.
I hiked through the woods and found my Inner Wise Woman voice that is quiet yet strong and clear. She whispers to me everything I need to hear whenever I’m willing to get quiet and listen.
I played and sang my crystal bowls (especially the root and sacral chakra bowls that help me feel grounded, safe, and connected to my creative power).
And I wrote simple affirmations just like I did with my other two pregnancies. This helped me focus my attention on what I desired while releasing my attachments to a "controlled perfect outcome". I read the affirmations with this intention: to step into the energy I wanted to embody as we waited to find out the results from our second ultrasound.
I sat with my crystal bowls and sang and played as I read them to myself over and over again.
I let tears and fears flow through me. I kept reading those affirmations. Through repetition I could feel myself stepping into the energy of calm, loving presence.
I held my hands to my womb and remembered something that’s so hard to grasp as a mama because the awesome responsibility and primal love that comes with parenting is a power that knows how to knock me off my feet.
But I remembered this.
No matter what the outcome is of this ultrasound, I choose to live in the energy of love.
I surrender to the unfolding of this journey and choose to accept that which is out of my control.
As with all joys and challenges in my life, I am HERE for the soul-stirring adventure and I embrace myself, this baby, and our life just as it is with my whole heart and soul.
I worked with all of this Tuesday and Wednesday. And I let the gamut of fears, worries, and imagined possibilities wash over me but I didn’t hold onto them. I moved them through my energy body and released them.
I continuously chose to come back to the energy and beliefs that helped me return to the calm, loving presence that was for the highest good of myself and my baby.
I woke up Thursday morning, and without trying or striving, I felt calm and at peace. I said to Damian, “This is kinda crazy. I feel okay today. I feel a sense of trust. I feel at peace. Have I lost it or am I ready to accept wherever this will take us?”
Our ultrasound was scheduled for 3pm that afternoon and I was in devotion to my healing practices throughout the day, even if that meant quietly breathing in my affirmations as I washed the dishes.
That afternoon Damian and I made the hour drive down to Portland where they do “high risk” ultrasounds all day every day.
We got to the waiting room and it was filled with pregnant women of all ages, shapes, sizes, and walks of life. And we were all here for the same reason. To learn how our babies were doing. Some of us would get comforting answers while others would not.
I was overwhelmed with the feeling that we mamas, babies, and families are all in this together. We're all finding our way like every human and family ever has, one step at a time.
My name was called and our ultrasound began. And I must say that our technician was a living angel. She was at once funny, no-nonsense, and incredibly comforting. She had 25 years of experience under her belt and reassured us that she and the OB/GYN would let us know right away if there was anything they were concerned about.
Here we go. Moment of truth.
The ultrasound was thorough to say the least. It took 90 minutes and instead of sleeping this time our baby was dancing and flipping around. But the technician was patient and waited to get every image.
And the result of this ultrasound? Everything, including the baby’s brain, measured perfectly. Everything looked just right. The technician and the OB/GYN that analyzed the images told us to leave that appointment with the great news that everything is totally “normal” (whatever that means, but that writing is for another day!).
DEEP, DEEP RELIEF washed over us.
I help women work through “imagined fear” and come to a place of calm, powerful surrender and wisdom every day. This is my job. And I know very well how easy it is to be gripped with fear, doubt, anxiety, and even feelings of complete and total dread.
I’m incredibly grateful that the results of that ultrasound were normal. And I certainly cannot presume to know how I’d be feeling today if the outcome had been different.
But here is what I do want to say.
Being alive is an inherent risk.
The human life cycle from conception to death is filled with inherent and inevitable risk of injury, failure, illness, and suffering.
The human life cycle from conception to death is overflowing with inherent and inevitable opportunities for love, joy, triumph, and fulfillment.
The love, joy, triumph and fulfillment come in one big package with the injury, failure, illness, and suffering.
We’ve signed on for it all. And I believe, with every cell in my body, that we’re equipped to navigate it all.
So here’s what I want to ask you:
How would your life be different if that joyful, calm, loving presence could be fully and completely embodied in you through the ups and downs of your journey?
What if you had an easy way to always come home to a flourishing state of being, even in the scariest, most challenging, grief stricken times?
What would be possible for you if you were devoted to the embodiment of a joyful, calm, loving presence through every single bit of this soul-stirring adventure?
Tomorrow is the New Moon in Leo.
One way that I am actively devoted to the way I desire to BE is through setting intentions at each New Moon.
I will be setting intentions and writing affirmations for myself tomorrow that will help me be in the energy of joy, calm, and presence through whatever comes in the next month of my pregnancy.
There are no guarantees on anything in this life and I am devoted to always strengthening my practice of being at peace through it all.
What are you feeling challenged by right now and what intentions or affirmations do you want to cultivate and manifest between now and the next full moon?
You, dear woman, are a part of this magical, wild, wonderful world and everything you need to flourish is within you.
What needs tending and cultivation in you at this time?
Take tomorrow’s New Moon as an opportunity to cultivate whatever will be for the highest good of you and all concerned in your life over the next couple of weeks.
Set intentions that maybe stretch you outside of what's comfortable but are doable for you!
Remember, life is an inherent risk. How do you desire to live through whatever this life brings?
And what is the next right thing to cultivate in yourself so that you are nourishing the seeds of all you desire?
With humility and heart, let’s live in devotion to our desires together.
With warmth & light,
